Get a kick out of Hanukah with Fifty Two Shades of Blue-ish

Remember “Naughty Lists” aren’t just for Gentiles…

1. Two words: Strip Dreidel.  Spin the top and lose yours.
2. Light the menorah, enjoy the wax.
3. Sure it’s Hanukah, but why not blow the shofar?  And if you do, don’t ignore his matzoh balls.
4. Practice your “Oy Face” in a mirror.
5. Remember, “knish” rhymes well with “bitch” for any dirty talk needs.
6. Nothing beats a big, hard, kosher salami.
7. Hanukah gelt doubles as delicious pasties.
8. Bondage can be fun…not so much in Egypt that time, but you know.

And here are three extra candles for Hanukah after dark….

1. A shmear isn’t just for bagels anymore – try some on your lady bagel / private pastry and watch him go for everything.  (Caution: Avoid Lox)
2. Let your wild Jewess curls be free.  On your head too.
3. Sometimes a hard CHHHHHHH-H is as satisfying as a hard…crossword puzzle.  (“Crossword puzzle” is a nice code word for penis if your Nana is visiting).

Hope you have a wonderful festival of delights.  Just remember to pace yourself, hydrate – it’s 8 nights.  What, you should shtup the whole time?

What you need to play:

1. A dreidel*
2. A bottle of Maneschewitz wine or Tequila
3. Shot glasses
4. 1 or more clothed partners

How to play:

1. Spin the dreidel.
2. If the dreidel lands on one of the following letters, do the following:

Nun:  “Nothing!”

Do not remove your clothing.

Do a shot of Maneschewitz wine or Tequila.

Shout “L’Chaim!”

(optional: Your partner may also do a shot with you. As long as he/she shouts “L’Chaim!”)

Hey:  “Half!”

Take off something from the top or bottom half of your body. This must be an article of clothing.  Not a mustache or a sheet of static guard that got caught in your jeans by accident.

Gimmel: “Everything!”

Depending on your mood (or how tipsy you are), you may take off all of your clothes.  This will end the game.  But this will also start another game (wink wink).  Now, if you do not wish to disrobe at this time, then upon seeing Gimmel, you must shout “L’Chaim all around!” within three seconds.  This is the new and improved “three second rule.”  This means that everyone must drink!  It also means that everyone must remove an article of clothing.

Shin:  “Put in!”

Okay.  I think we’re all adults here.  So I’m going to assume that you know what to put in. And where.  Mazel Tov!  But if you’re not sure, then my mother says, “Please refer to my daughter’s book, ‘Fifty Two Shades of Blueish.’”  If you follow Mom’s advice, you’ll figure out what to do.

Now, if you are sure that you know what it means, but are not “in the mood,” then you may decide to “Put In” the following:  Candy in your mouth, a finger in your own or your partner’s ear, or an insole into your Jimmy Choos.  You are also entitled to be creative and make up your own “Put In’s.”

Now you are officially ready to play “Spin the Dreidel!”

Remember, the goal is to get naked and have a good time.

So…get naked and have a good time!

“Yes. You should have a good time,” my mother said to tell you.  “My daughter spent a long time making up this game especially for you!”

Why am I quoting my mother at a time like this?

Oy.

* A dreidel is a spinning top with four Hebrew letters that stand for the saying “Nes Gadol Haya Sham,” which means, “A great miracle happened there.”

Hopefully, a great miracle will happen the night you play Spin Dreidel.  If not, then ask yourself “Why?”  Is it you?  Or maybe you need to get a new partner(s)?  I’m just not sure.  But what I am sure of is that you should not blame me.  Why?  Oy.  You didn’t have a good time?  I made this game especially for you.  I feel guilty already…

** If you do not know your Hebrew letters and you happen to have a dreidel that does not have the English transliteration (which is a very big word for the English translation of the Hebrew letter), then do not fret or kvetch.  Instead, make up your own rules!  Just make sure that you are tipsy and naked by spin number 18.  Why 18 you might ask?  Because, that’s why…I mean, Chai!

Oh sure, they wanted to know all of the dirty details, so I told them.  You’ll get some of those details in the video.  But what I didn’t get to share was just what AWESOME women they truly are.  You know how sometimes you see celebs on TV or in the movies and you think that they’re fabulous, only to find out that they’re really not?  Well, guess what?  Tina and Amy really are fabulous.  After spending over an hour with them on our date, it was clear to me that they really are the funny, creative, smart, nice, pretty women that we see on the big and small screen.  Plus…they have their own F**ket Lists!  Clearly, when you look at the creative risks they’ve taken, it’s no wonder. So now it’s inspiring me to take even more creative risks.  In fact, just last night, I wore a leopard print nightgown out in public to the screening of my date night with Tina & Amy.  That counts as a creative risk, don’t you think?

And what an amazing night it was—at an event for a cause that is very near and dear to my heart.  Night of Too Many Stars: America Comes Together for Autism Programs is a benefit to aid autism education.  The event was held at the Beacon Theatre in NYC.  Hosted by Jon Stewart, the evening featured Ben Stiller, Seth Rogen, Stephen Colbert, Harvey Keitel, Carly Rae Jepsen, Katy Perry, Sting, and many more…including, of course, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

So here’s what happened.  Jon Stewart announced that that one of the live auction items was to “spend a date night as the new best friend of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.” The next thing I knew, the bidding began and I raised my hand high in the air.  Cut to…minutes later, I found myself onstage at the Beacon Theater—with my new best friends!  After an intimate bonding experience in front of approximately 3,000 audience members, we were whisked outside for a photo shoot that was later shown on a jumbo screen at the theater.  It was so exciting!  During our date night, we talked, we hugged, we kissed (and I got to kiss Jon Stewart!), ate tacos, got married…well, you can see for yourself.

Tune into Comedy Central on Sunday night, October 21^st at 8:00 PM.

We all have different sides to us, right?  But do we always embrace them?

Fifty Two Shades of Blue-ish showed me how to embrace the fifty two sides of myself, some of which include: mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, autism book author, playwright, professional dancer, performer, multi-media performance artist, CEO, management consultant, lecturer, corporate trainer, board member—and to embrace the more creative and silly sides of myself that I’d been hiding away for so long.

The truth is, I almost wrote Fifty Two Shades of Blue-ish under a pseudonym.  I had close and caring friends and colleagues ask me, “Are you sure you want to write this book under your own name?”  Their fear echoed my own, that people might not take me as seriously in the business world and the autism community if they knew that I’d written a humorous erotic book. Luckily, like the character Rachel in my book, I was able to get in touch with my inner voice  (or inner princess, that is), who told me to “Just go for it!” (actually, she used more colorful language, but that’s for another story…).  And that’s the message that I’d like to pass along to other women who might be hiding away parts of themselves for fear of being judged or criticized.

Celebrate your fifty two sides!  And if you find in celebrating those fifty two that you’ve discovered even more, then let me know.  Maybe you’ll be the inspiration for my next book…

So that’s why I’ve created the F**ket List.  The F**ket List is the list that you create and fulfill now.  Or next week.  Or in the next year.  It’s the list that you don’t have to wait your entire lifetime to achieve.

Here are 3 Tips to Creating Your Own F**ket List:

1. Just say “F**ket!”

Unlike the traditional Bucket List that requires years of editing and refining, the F**ket List requires a few minutes of brainstorming. No need to perfect it.  Write it today.  If you’re a Type A who needs to review it, then go ahead and review it.  You don’t like it?  Just say, “F**ket” and cross it out.  No need to find that special journal. Write it on a cocktail napkin.  No need to find that special place to meditate on it.  Write it on the toilet.

“Just write the f**king thing!” my inner princess shouts.

Which brings me to my next point…

2.  Get in touch with your own inner princess.

Just like Rachel in Fifty Two Shades of Blue-ish, I, too have an inner princess. And so do you.  Your inner princess is actually the key to your F**ket List. She’s the one who knows how to have FUN FUN FUN.  How do you find her?  Listen up.  Chances are, she’s been screaming at you for years, but you haven’t heard her over that incessant noise in your brain that’s been telling you all of the things you “should” be doing (the dishes, the laundry, your husband).  When you give her a voice, she’ll tell you all of the things that you really should be doing…

3. Write it NOW.  Do it SOON.

In Fifty Two Shades of Blue-ish, Rachel explains that she is a fan of Eckhart Tolle, mostly because he appeared on Oprah, but also because he believes in the Power of NOW.  Right now, for example, you might be thinking, “I’ve just read these tips on how to create my F**ket List and they are absolutely brilliant and I’ll make sure to try this out…some day.”  So…

“What the f**k are you waiting for?”  

(Um. I’m pretty sure that was your inner princess talking that time.)

Just pick up a pen or your iPad or whatever is closest to you and write ONE thing that you have been secretly wanting to do that will give you pleasure. Then maybe tomorrow you’ll write another one—and another after that.  But don’t wait until you have a complete list.  Just DO IT—SOON! No excuses.  No waiting until you’re about to kick the bucket.  And if you find that you’re afraid to do these on your own?  Find a partner in crime.  Or if I just happen to be available that evening…

• Here are some from my own F**ket List that I have accomplished so far:

_x_ Dance on a bar in NYC

_x_ Play street hockey with a bunch of guys

_x_  Go skipping instead of running

_x_ Flash a truck driver

_x_  Walk a runway in a fashion show

_x_ Eat popcorn and ice cream for dinner

_x_ Wear a tiara even if it’s not New Year’s Eve (Exhibit A, above!)

_x_ Go on a date with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

Of course, I add onto my list all the time, but before I share more with you, check out some other ideas from my girlfriends…

•  Here’s what some of my girlfriends have included on their F**ket Lists:

__ Eat dinner by myself at a bar in NYC & flirt with the bartender

__ Skinny-dip

__ Sing on a Broadway stage

__ Sing karaoke in front of an audience

__ Have multiple orgasms

__ Have an orgasm during sex

__ Have sex in a public place, preferably in a bathroom stall at Yankee Stadium

__ Balance a salt shaker on my head while sitting in a fancy restaurant

__ Shave my husband’s legs (and do some other man-scaping)

__ Sit on the lap of a stranger at a party

What’s on your F**ket List?